"God asks no man whether he will accept life...

repentantshadow @ 2009-08-27T18:15:00

2009-08-28T02:00:56Z

Well. I figure I've neglected this thing enough.
I've been living in Salinas since a couple days after our birthday. I've been busting my butt at a payday advance company with the hopes of making manager. At this point, I am pretty much manager in all aspects but pay grade. I have to turn around things at the shop before I can hope for a raise. However, this is not the only option open to me at the moment. I am currently in the hiring/interview process for Emergency Dispatch and Eligibility Worker for Monterey County. Both positions kind of popped out of nowhere, as I had applied for both positions back in April.
I can't really tell how I place with either of them, but I am trying to be optimistic this is kind of my chance to do something a little more substantial with myself.
Salinas kind of sucks. Gang violence is pretty high and I've been told that the gangster kids are trying to beat last years kill count. There's not a whole lot to do here for a couple without any friends that doesn't want to bust a cap in someone's ass. I do have to say that the weather here is much more agreeable. If the weather does happen to get too hot, the beach is 15 minutes away. I am also looking forward to the local British Pub reopening in November.
On the married life front...
Things are going great. It's been pretty convenient for us to have jobs with similar hours, so no matter what we can hang out every night. It's been a little stressful making so much less than Tonya. I don't need to make more than her, but I'd like to be able to contribute a little more than minimum wage. At least, we would be able to cut loose a little more than we have.
One more thing I am looking forward to...VACATION!!!! Starting today, I am officially on vacation. Tonight we are heading to San Francisco for a concert and then we're heading to Bakersfield and Vegas. I am excited because his is my first vacation and it will be unofficialy our honeymoon. I will probably be in Bakersfield late tomorrow through early Monday maybe Tuesday.
I will see if I have any free time aside from family obligations to hang out. Maybe hang out for lunch somewhere like Denny's.
I'm almost to San Francisco, so I may post more later. We all know how that usually works out though.

One month ago today...

2008-11-16T22:11:15Z

I married the woman of my dreams. I feel I am a better person for having met her. She is a great inspiration to me. I have a reason to use my skills, I have a direction and a reason to do things. I no longer feel as if I am merely existing, I am actually living and am alive. Every day that I wake up and she is there, is a better day than the one before. I am truly happy.

repentantshadow @ 2008-11-04T09:33:00

2008-11-04T17:34:59Z

Just Wanted to let you guys know that I am alive. I have big news to post to those of you I haven´t had the chance to talk to in the last couple of weeks, much less the last couple of months. I will post it later...right now I have to head off to work.

repentantshadow @ 2008-08-03T02:53:00

2008-08-03T09:55:24Z

I did not really notice how much I missed seeing the stars until tonight. I don't know what it is, ever since I was a kid whenever I felt any kind of disruption in myself I could look up to the night sky and see the stars. Something about just seeing them eased the pain...it made me think and feel differently.
There was no specific mythology in myself about it, though I learned many of the constellations names and shapes when I was a child. There were gods, heroes and various other creatures placed in the sky. I am sad to look up and see many familiar shapes and not remember their names, or to remember names and not remember the shape their shape.
Over recent years, all I could see was dirt and maybe a few stars floating in the sky. Tonight, I could see them so clearly. They weren't calling to me, but I'm not sure how to express the sensation I got when I looked up into the sky tonight. It was like a peace, like there was something there that I've been missing. I know that there was some kind of inspiration...like lightning striking parts of my mind back into action.
I guess it's not too odd to imagine, I know that there have been cases of people going a little crazy if they don't see the sun for x amount of time, or visit the beach at least once a year. Perhaps there is something to this.
Perhaps I'll write further another time, it is off to sleep for me.

repentantshadow @ 2008-07-22T21:39:00

2008-07-23T07:26:11Z

I'm sitting here thinking about what I want to say. And I am having a difficult time so far.

I have been planning on leaving for the Airforce for some time. Though I guess I don't know if that is the current plan. There are many things that the military could offer me...some of them are things I lost, some are things I never had. I wish to continue my education (to what end I do not know) which I believe I will not be able to afford much longer. I lack many social skills. I lack direction and self-discipline. I lack strength of mind of body of soul. It would fulfill my ultimate goal of leaving Bakersfield for good. These are all things that the military can assist me with, though perhaps not in the direction and way that many (maybe not even myself) would like.
I see that to a major extent that this is taking the easy way out. Having had this goal for a while has given me something to strive for over the past few months. It has given me goals, long and short term. It has given me a reason to get off my ass and exercise. I have drastically reshaped my body, I have dropped twenty pounds and four inches off my waist since January. I am physically stronger than I have ever been in my entire life...and am still improving.
In doing this, though, I could be taking all of the difficult aspects of existence and handing them over to someone else. My life at any moment would not be directly of my choosing, but a result of a choice I would have made in the past. I would be taking all the parts of me that I have let rot for fear or indecision or low self-esteem and letting someone else re-work them instead of taking the trouble of being someone myself.
This is not to make light of the choices of those who have joined the armed forces. They have made their own decision for their own reasons, and there is a great level of determination required in wrestling with this decision...and great opportunities to do better (as well as sacrifices) in doing so. I think most young adult males have this conflict in the back of their head for many years and say nothing about it.

So much of my life has been wandering around aimlessly and dealing with the what-ifs that result. I'm starting to realize that there are aspects that I haven't thought all of the way through. I want this decision to be made with the utmost awareness. I have already realized that there are great improvements to myself that I can make on my own, some of the ones I have made will probably never fully be undone. I know that it's going to take at least 4 months before I'm physically fit enough to qualify based on body fat alone. I think I'm going to sit on this decision for another year...I should be set by that point. Maybe it'll give me another chance to try some things...like I miss Aikido...maybe I'll take that up again...maybe I'll try a few things before I finalize this decision.

Writer's Block: Some words to live by...

2008-06-03T00:10:18Z

"God asks no man whether he will accept life. That is not the choice. You must take it. The only question is how."

Henry Ward Beecher.

"My only regret is that I have...BONITIS!!!!" crinkle...crack

2007-10-28T01:02:20Z

I know that I promised a real post...but...last night I drank so much that my bones hurt.

I WANT!!!

2007-10-23T21:46:38Z

http://www.themissilebase.com/

Anyways...real post to come...maybe...

I apologize if none of this makes sense...I've had about an hour and a half of sleep today...

2007-09-26T08:23:09Z

I've been once again gone from the webbernet world for a while...mostly because my boss put a nanny software on the computers at work making it difficult to blog and the like...
I've mostly been dealing with schooling and shite. I've been waiting for a couple of months to hear back about my financial aid...and apparently my appeal essay was good enough to cut the mustard as it were. Unfortunately this comes after I decided that my Music Appreciation was too much of a hassle for the semester...so that knocks me down to 3/4 but still...that should get me a decently functioning vehicle and aid in the payment of insurance. So there is a dance to be had...I may try to see about trying to get the music appreciation class back...waking up at 5 in the morning may be tolerable for another month...
Anyways...maybe more later...when I'm awake...back to finishing homework and then going to sleep.

I will get to the comments, and maybe a post that is not just me angsting out at a later time.

2007-08-31T18:17:13Z

My phone got ran over by a bus the other day, and got a new one today. Which means of course I've lost all of your numbers. I need your numbers...email them to my hotmail to Joseph_Jasper, or call me or something. I can try to navigate the other phone to load onto the sim card, but...it's a bit difficult with no screen.

Angst angst angst RAWRRR!!!!

2007-08-23T08:20:49Z

Something I dug up...but has been holding very true to the thoughts and feelings I've been having lately. I must state beforehand that none of this is what I necessarily hold to be truth...I wonder if I want there to be something wrong with how things are so that I feel justified in not feeling like I belong some of the time...a la Bernard Marx. I have noticed (and it has been brought to my attention by others) that much of the way I express my thoughts and feelings tends to be as if I hold them to be ultimate and true...and that I hold myself to be better than others and the rest of the world. That is not my intent nor is it how I feel and I apologize for making it seem as such. But then again this may seem like gibberish to most of you anyways.

"I don’t know if there’s something wrong with me or if there’s something wrong with this world, then again I am willing to accept that there is something wrong with both. I can’t accept anything that is given to me as truth. I know things have happened. I know things happen. But by the time any information gets to me it has gone through so many filters of perception that much of the meaning has been changed or phased out. I can memorize what I am told. I can regurgitate it on demand and get points or praise or rewards for it, but I don’t truly know anything. We shape the world. I am sure that this world exists in it’s own rite, but none of us have ever seen it. We bend things in our head so that they meet some shape that feels safe to us. We tell ourselves lies and then tell them to other people and they tell themselves different lies. There is something beyond this husk of meat that I am in and I can not see it or feel it…but perhaps that is the problem. I want to see, feel, taste, touch this Truth. Maybe it is something that we can’t perceive on the same lines as we do these lies. I want to reach past this but I don’t know how…I don’t know if these ramblings hold any meaning.
Maybe I just want there to be more to this layer of perception because I am tired of how it is…with it’s stupidity and ignorance and lack of true change or growth. It gets to the point to where I have to find some distraction from things outside my direct circle of the world…from the things I can taste, touch, hear, smell or see. Video games work, books work, television and movies work. They let me bottle and suppress this angst before it boils to the brim and focus on something else, something fun.
Then part of me kicks in with…that’s what they’re there for…to keep us from getting the momentum to move forward and do something about anything…aren’t we all tired of being someone else’s cattle?…don’t we want to be our own people?…don’t you want to help people?…truly help people?…or do you just want to do it within the confines of this system?…where you feel safe…where everything means something harmless…"

Then again, would I even know how to begin to attempt to do something better outside of the confines of this system?

Slurpee + Vodka = FUUUUN!

2007-07-24T18:27:26Z

I love The Perry Bible Fellowship.

I've kind of been off the radar for a bit, intentionally so. Not really anything to report...maybe I'll put something up later.

Because it's unnecessarily funny!

2007-07-18T07:33:55Z

Your Score: SurpriseAdoption Cat

25 % Affection, 68 % Excitability , 31 % Hunger

Calloused. Heartless. Exuberant. You carry the heavy burden of informing children that they are adopted by jumping out of their birthday cake. A difficult task, but somebody must break the news.

Link: The Which Lolcat Are You? Test written by GumOtaku on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Maybe a real post ish later

2007-07-18T07:02:16Z

RepentantShadow took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Seeks the determination and elasticity of will nec..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

repentantshadow @ 2007-07-16T23:58:00

2007-07-17T06:58:47Z

I still get pensive and moody when I think about money...

A little bit more so when I think about money and my family.

repentantshadow @ 2007-07-14T14:00:00

2007-07-14T20:59:21Z

I guess we cancelled tonight.

repentantshadow @ 2007-07-14T13:53:00

2007-07-14T20:53:34Z

I am supposed to be going to the mint today with my big sister. I am still so damned tired. She wants to spend pretty much the whole day there...but I don't know...either way...people should join us.

repentantshadow @ 2007-07-08T00:32:00

2007-07-08T07:33:10Z

I am sitting here looking at all of my monthly expenses and trying to see what I can cut so I can get mobile!!! I don't want to have to leave Aikido...

repentantshadow @ 2007-07-05T21:18:00

2007-07-06T04:18:39Z

I was going to post a real post...but then I realized I am way too tired to do so...I'm going to take a nap...if contact is needed the normal channels of communication are open.

repentantshadow @ 2007-07-02T14:37:00

2007-07-02T21:38:22Z

A thought before the sleepy sleepy...

2007-07-01T10:10:15Z

I miss being able to go to sleep whilst watching whatever crap that the sci fi channel throws out in the wee hours of the morning...

repentantshadow @ 2007-06-30T02:47:00

2007-06-30T09:47:54Z

I swear I had better not wake up hung over tomorrow...that will suck.

I woke up in an unusually serious mood today.

2007-06-28T10:20:47Z

When I look in the mirror, I see less and less of him, and more of someone else. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this new face, this new form. I don't have as many of his mannerisms nor his patterns. The systems for categorizing everything and protocols for reaction, all these things I have created to keep everything at a distance, have lost their meaning and their importance. I am no longer the sum of his mistakes, the nightmare childhood and pain that he has done his best to pass on to us. For better or worse, I have become something else.
It's always been easier to think of myself as less than human, it becomes easier to take the guilt and the shame of where I come from, to accept the pain that I have seen and felt. It will no longer suffice. I can no longer live playing a child's game, pretending to be a monster or a machine to keep the bogeyman away. My distractions no longer engage me the same way. These old limitations bore me. Mere survival no longer satisfies me.

In other news, Bruce Willis is still my favorite super hero.

Something I found amusing.

2007-06-25T21:39:02Z

repentantshadow @ 2007-06-25T01:34:00

2007-06-25T08:35:40Z

Curse of the Golden Flower is an awesome and horribly messed up movie. You must all see it now!!! For I command it!!!